


just another day

by gracieli



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Eddie centric, Gen, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e08 Malfunction, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Time Travel, lots of introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26195122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracieli/pseuds/gracieli
Summary: In Los Angeles, there is a small coffee shop that offers perfectly brewed coffee, delicious pastries, and the ability to travel through time.Though most customers are unaware of their strange speciality, Eddie becomes all too aware of it when the owner offers him the chance to visit Shannon and have one last conversation with her.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz & Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 124





	just another day

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Toshikazu Kawaguchi's "Before the Coffee Gets Cold" 
> 
> tw discussions of death, car accident mention

For a while after Shannon’s death, Eddie avoided the coffee shop like a plague. 

It’s a hole in the wall establishment and Eddie really has no idea how Shannon happened upon it in the first place, but he finds himself appreciating it all the same. The coffee shop is warm and inviting; it’s a bit barebones but Eddie finds comfort in its simplicity and straightforwardness. Frankly, it’s a welcome relief from all of the try hard cafes that populate Los Angeles that he’s always felt uncomfortably out of place in. 

Shannon had been a regular at the coffee shop for years; she had started coming there shortly after she first moved to Los Angeles. When she came back into their lives, she started bringing the two of them, introducing Eddie to their coffee and Christopher to their delicious array of pastries and baked goods. A lot of happy moments were spent there, with the three of them content to pass time huddled close in the booth by the shop’s large sunny window.

After Shannon died, Eddie found it difficult to stomach the idea of returning there.

He didn’t return until months later, and that was mostly because Christopher kept begging for their red velvet cupcakes and Eddie found it hard to keep saying no to his son. 

But it had never really been about the cupcakes for Eddie (or for Christopher, he suspects). Mainly, he chose to go back because he wanted Christopher to be able to cherish those warm memories of his mom. He wanted Christopher to enjoy the cupcakes he used to share with Shannon, sit in their old spot by the window and remember her this way. He wanted Chris to hold onto these memories rather than the memory of her casket being lowered into the ground or of Eddie struggling to tell him that she passed away. He didn’t want his son to be overwhelmed with sadness every time he thought of his mom the way Eddie seems cursed to, and he would gladly shoulder the burden of the painful memories alone as long as it meant his son was happy. 

So at some point he started going back to the cafe with Christopher and after some time, got back into the routine of going on his own. It’s the only coffee shop he’s found in L.A. that brews coffee just how he likes it, so he kept returning and over time, it became marginally less painful. 

But right now? Eddie is absolutely lost. 

The street fighting had finally blown up in his face - Captain Cooper recognized Eddie at the fight club and everything fell apart after that. Bobby had dismissed him from his shift about an hour ago and gave him the rest of the week off to get his head on straight. Eddie objected, naturally - the last thing he needs is time off, but Bobby stood firm. Buck’s lawsuit was still fresh enough in their minds and he suspects Bobby is just trying to be cautious by recommending time off for him now, especially after he was reprimanded during the hearing for not having forced Eddie to take time off after Shannon died. 

And he gets it, for the most part. All along, Eddie knew that the street fighting would inevitably catch up to him at some point. When it finally did, there was a large part of him that actually felt relieved - it felt weak to admit it, but he had scared himself. He had needed to recover some control so badly that he deluded himself into thinking he had finally found it through fighting but in reality, it only slipped further and further away from him until he was spiraling and control was far out of reach. 

Throughout it all, Eddie felt like he was drowning in a sinkhole that he couldn’t climb out of on his own. So yes, on some level he was grateful to Bobby for yanking him out when he couldn’t do it himself. 

But despite his gratitude, now that it’s been taken away from him, it feels like there is nothing standing between him and the storm of emotions that threaten to tear him apart, nowhere to redirect the wave that threatens to drown him. 

Bobby scheduled an appointment with Frank for Eddie before he left the station but that won’t be for another few days, and Eddie is at a loss for what to do with himself until then. Today, Christopher is in school, Tia Pepa and Abuela are visiting some relatives a few hours north in Santa Maria, and everyone on the team is working the shift that he was pulled off of. 

He could just go home but the idea of returning to an empty house seems daunting, too. He knows that the moment he’s alone with his thoughts, he’d fall apart and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to put himself back together. He’s done it once before, picked up the shattered pieces of himself after he returned from Afghanistan and tried to make himself resemble a whole, but it’s always felt a bit fragile in the years since and even more so in the months since Shannon died.

So no, he can’t go home. He has to be here and _whole_ for Christopher and he can’t afford to lose it. 

It doesn’t change the fact that he’s miserable and feels just a bit too raw, and there’s nowhere for him to go.

He’s driving around aimlessly when he sees the coffee shop further down the street. Pretty much on cue, his stomach growls, reminding him that he hadn’t had a chance to eat any of the breakfast Bobby had cooked before he was dismissed from the firehouse. 

Sighing, he pulls into the parking lot with a bit of a resigned air. It beats going home but Eddie isn’t necessarily eager to endure any sort of social interaction, either. He parks the car but he stays in the comfort of his truck for another few moments to steel himself. He texts Carla, letting her know that he would be able to pick Christopher up from school, before he finally climbs out and heads in. 

A soft bell welcomes him in and Lily, the owner, greets him warmly. Looking around, he sees that there’s only one other customer besides himself - a young woman who seems to be a constant presence in the coffee shop. Like always, she is bent over the same book that Eddie has never not seen her with, her back hunched and her face hidden by her hair. Over the times Eddie has come to the coffee shop, he’s gathered the impression that she’s not entirely there but she always just keeps to herself, so he never says anything.

Looking away, he walks over to the counter. “Hi,” he tries to smile, but he thinks it probably comes off as a grimace, “can I just get a turkey sandwich and some coffee?”

Luckily Lily doesn’t mention it, just responds, “Sure, I’ll bring it over to you when it’s ready.”

He thanks her and scans the coffee shop, trying to decide where to sit. He thinks about sitting in Shannon and Christopher’s usual spot by the window but the thought of it makes his breath catch in his throat, so he decides on a booth that’s tucked away in a corner. 

Eddie absentmindedly scrolls through his phone and it’s not too long before Lily comes with his sandwich and coffee. 

“Alright, here you go,” she says as she sets it down carefully onto the table. “If you need anything else, just let me know.”

“Thank you,” he says. The aroma of the coffee is as inviting as always and breaks through some of the fog that’s been clouding his mind. 

“You’re welcome,” Lily responds warmly. 

She turns to walk back to the counter before she stops herself mid-movement, seeming uncharacteristically nervous. “Actually,” she interjects, “I don’t mean to bother you, but can I ask where your wife has been? She hasn’t come around in a long time and I just wanted to see if she was okay.”

And fuck, he really cannot handle this right now. Part of him wants to walk out the door and never come back to this goddamn cafe, but he pushes the urge down and swallows. “She died in a car accident, almost a year ago.”

Lily grimaces and her eyes shine with sympathy. “I’m really sorry to hear that. She was so lovely.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, “She was.”

Lily is silent for a moment, considering him with a sad, soft look. “You haven't come to terms with her death, have you?” she asks quietly, and Eddie looks at her in something that must resemble horror.

He’s so taken aback that he’s hardly able to cough out, “I’m sorry?”

She ignores that, instead carefully taking a seat across from him. “Would it help if you could see her again?” 

And no, this is not happening, not today. He gets up, rifling through his wallet for change before throwing the loose bills on the table. “Look, I don't know what game you’re playing and frankly, I don’t care. I’m gonna head out now.” 

He’s halfway to the door when Lily calls out to him, “You could visit her the day she died. She was wearing that yellow blouse, right? She was here that morning.” 

Eddie turns around. “I thought you didn’t know she died,” he says accusingly. 

“It happened a few blocks from here, of course I did,” Lily dismisses. “Listen, I’m not playing any games and you can walk out if you really have no interest, but I’ve seen enough people come through here wearing their grief like a second skin to not know what it looks like.” 

“You don’t know me,” he bites out, “You don’t know anything about me, so don’t tell me what I’m going through.”

“So you’re doing just fine, then,” she says a bit antagonistically, her face scrunching up in incredulity. 

And okay, it’s kind of annoying that he’s so obviously not fine that someone who is essentially a stranger has picked up on it, but he just clenches his jaw and asks, “How is that any of your concern?”

“Because I really think I can help,” Lily responds and the agitation bleeds from her expression, leaving only sincerity and compassion. 

And Eddie is still guarded, but he’s always deemed himself a good judge of character and he can at least tell that Lily isn’t toying with him. Even if what she’s suggesting isn’t real or possible, she genuinely believes in what she’s saying. He is also just so tired of being so bitter and angry all the time, so he goes along with it for now. “Yeah, how so?” 

“Essentially,” she begins delicately, “I can send you to a fixed moment in the past. You can only visit people who have been here before, but you can choose any day to visit them. So theoretically, you could see her here - on the day she died or any other day she came in.”

“And I’m supposed to just believe that?” he questions, a bit shakily. 

“That’s up to you,” she says. 

At that moment, the other customer - the young woman who is always there - shoves her book across the table with a grunt. She stands and heads to the bathroom towards the back, walking as if in a trance. For the first time since Eddie’s been to the coffee shop, he finally gets a good look at her face and he can feel the bottom of his stomach drop out as a cold dread overtakes him. 

Eddie struggles to speak past the fear that inexplicably strangles him and looks to Lily. “What - is she-”

Lily helpfully interrupts, “She’s a ghost.” 

She sighs mournfully before explaining, “I sent her to the past, years ago, to visit her sister. When the time came for her to return to the present, she didn’t want to leave her sister behind. So she got stuck in time, stuck here.” 

And as rigid as Eddie had been through all of this, his resolve had disintegrated the moment he saw the ghost for what she was. Whether or not he goes through with any of this, he knows now with an unsettling certainty that it’s all real. 

Lily interjects, “I wouldn’t get too hung up on that, honestly. A lot of people have visited the past with no issues. She made a choice, that’s all.”

“How many people have done this?” 

“Maybe a couple of hundred? This is a family business, so that’s been over some decades. We never really cared to advertise it, but it’s just something we can do for people who need it.”

And as much as Eddie resents admitting it, he thinks he might need this. 

Because he honestly doesn’t know how much longer he can carry on like this. If it’s possible, he wants to talk to Shannon and get some clarity, wants answers to the questions that constantly torment him. He wants to know everything - what was the final straw for her? How did he fail this time? Is there anything he could have done differently, or is it just _him_? 

Because maybe if he gets some clarity, he could fix himself, be better. He wants so badly to be the parent that Christopher needs, the father he deserves, and above everything else he owes it to his son to try. 

And while this is all true, there is also a small, secret part of him that wants Shannon to confirm what he has always known, wants her to tell him that it was never anything he could fix but that it was always just who he is and there’s no fixing that. He wants to sink into the familiarity of this truth, finally give himself fully to it and numb himself to everything else. Because for as much as this thought has torn him apart for years, everything else is scary and unfamiliar and Eddie wouldn’t know what to do with it. 

So for all of these reasons and for ones he can’t even name, Eddie finds himself saying, “I want to do it.”

“Okay, I’ll walk you through it then. If you end up deciding you don’t want to go through with it, that’s fine too,” she assures before continuing, “So like I mentioned, there is a time limit to all visits. I’m going to pour you a cup of coffee and as long as you finish it before it gets cold you’ll be fine, but you really don’t want to push it,” she advises. “You also can’t move from this booth once you take the first sip, so just stay seated.” 

“Okay,” Eddie says. That all sounds manageable enough.

“Finally, her death is a fixed event. Even if you try to warn her about the accident it'll still happen, so I usually advise against it. You’re free to do whatever you want, of course, but I find it never really helps.”

“Alright.” And yeah, that makes sense. 

“Okay, then that’s my whole speech.”

He looks at her unbelievingly. “That’s it?”

“That’s it,” she confirms. “Do you still want to go through with it?”

Against all odds, he finds himself nodding. 

She leaves and disappears into the back, presumably to grab the mysterious coffee she’s been talking of. As he waits, his heart pounds heavily in his chest and he can feel his palms becoming sweaty as the anticipation builds.

Lily returns quickly with a tray with everything that Eddie guesses is necessary for whatever...magic she’s going to pull off. She places an empty mug in front of him, then resets a small timer and sets it beside him. When he looks up at her curiously, she explains, “It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, so we found this helps. It’ll go off a minute before the coffee gets cold and time’s up.” 

Eddie just nods, a bit dumbfounded. His stomach is starting to twist unpleasantly with anxiety and he wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans. 

“You’re going to feel a bit weird after your first sip but don’t panic, okay?” He nods again and really all he can do is nod, too otherwise occupied trying to keep his heart rate under control. “Are you ready?”

Eddie braces himself and sits up straighter in the booth. “Yeah, I am.”

“Okay.” She grabs a carafe from the tray (and it’s completely bizarre in how ordinary it looks, which distracts Eddie for a moment) and carefully pours the coffee into his mug. “Good luck. I hope it helps.”

He smiles sadly at her. “Me too.”

Then he takes a small sip of the coffee and it’s somehow both a touch too bitter and too sweet. 

He barely has time to form the thought before an uncomfortable warmth fills him and trickles down his veins. He feels his body dissolve slowly until he’s nothing, disconnected from everything. 

When he comes back to his senses, he is still sitting in the same booth. For a moment he wonders if anything even happened but looking around, he’s able to sense that he isn’t in the same time as he was before. 

The bell rings and the moment Shannon walks in, he feels like a bucket of ice water was dumped over his head. She’s wearing that yellow floral top that haunts Eddie’s dreams, and suddenly all of the anger that had been holding onto for so long dissipates, leaving behind nothing but an aching sadness.

She doesn’t notice Eddie yet - the booth he occupies is out of the direct path of sight from the door, so she just walks to the counter and greets Lily. He listens to Shannon as she orders; she asks for the same drink she gets every time - a caffe latte...and that kills him a little. It’s so unspecial and it’s just another painful reminder that it had been just another day. There was nothing that set it apart, no way of knowing what the day would bring. 

At least, he thinks that’s true, but there was always a part of him that wondered if Shannon had known, wondered if there’s a feeling people get the day they die or any sign that tips them off, even just a bit. He’s a first responder and he served in the army so he’s more familiar than most with how quickly a person’s fate can change, how quickly the rug can be pulled out from under you. Even so, he still struggles with the idea that everybody walks around every day with no idea of whether or not they’ll live to see the end of it - that there can be no warning sign, no gut feeling, _nothing._

Watching Shannon order her caffe latte completely unaffected, though, he concludes that this is the way things are. 

She doesn’t know and as Shannon finally notices him and meets his eye, Eddie thinks that knowing might be worse. It seems cruel that he knows that death hangs over her today, waits patiently until the moment she crosses that intersection, but for all Shannon knows it’s just another day. 

Because it was - it was just another day until it wasn’t, and Eddie still doesn’t know how to deal with that or how he’s supposed to talk to her like this. Not to mention he's not entirely sure how much _she_ wants to talk to _him_. For Shannon, it was just last night that she was suggesting divorce and now she's here and how did he not think this through? 

“Eddie?” she asks, hesitantly making her way over to his booth. “What are you doing here?”

Eddie raises his cup of coffee and takes a sip as if that’s an answer but she accepts it easily enough, just sliding in the booth across from him. “I’m sorry, I was going to call you later - I know we didn’t get a chance to really talk about things last night, but I promise I-”

“Shannon, it’s okay,” he tries to smile, “We’re here now, right?”

“Right,” she confirms, settling into the booth as the tension visibly drains out of her. “Um, did you want to talk here or-"

"Here's fine," he quickly interjects.

Shannon looks at him a bit curiously. "Okay, well - I’ll let you start then. I’m sure you have questions,” she says lightly. 

He exhales, “Yeah,” and _god_ , it’s so awkward but he continues anyway. “I, uh - I thought we were in a good place. I thought we were doing better and I just...don’t know what I missed, or where it went wrong.”

“We _are_ in a good place,” she assures. “And I love you, Eddie...but we’re not _in_ love with each other anymore, are we? We haven’t been in a long time.”

And yeah, that stings a bit. His first instinct is to deny it, tell her that he never fell out of love with her, but there’s a part of him that knows she’s right, knows they haven’t been in love for years. 

“I feel like we owe it to Christopher to be honest with each other, with ourselves,” she exhales. “You said you were looking for a sign that this was right. But when it’s right - _really_ right - you don’t need a sign, and I think you know that too. I just...I don’t want us to force this and end up hating each other again.”

And there’s the ugly voice again, the one that sounds too much like his parents, reminding him of how much he’s failed, how he let things get to this point where they were broken beyond repair. He knows fighting for them won’t change anything now, that death will claim her whether or not he can fix them, but there’s a part of him that can’t let it go. 

Because when he tells people his wife died, they jump to the logical assumption that they were a happy couple in love, but Eddie knows the truth - he knows that he failed, that he wasn’t good enough to be her husband anymore. And some part of him just wants to fix things - to show her that he wasn’t completely irredeemable, that she didn’t have to end up hating him if they stayed together, that if he put in the work and fought for her, she knows he could’ve been better, could’ve been a good husband. 

So he argues, “We could’ve tried, Shannon. We could’ve gone to couples therapy, I-I could have been good for you if-”

“Eddie, stop,” she urges gently. “You _are_ good. Sometimes more good than I feel like I deserve. Even after everything, you let me back into your life - into Christopher’s, and I can never thank you enough for that.”

Eddie can feel his face scrunch up and tears well in his eyes. “But it’s not enough,” he says defeatedly. “I still broke you,” he admits, swallowing around the lump in his throat, “broke _us_.”

Her face softens and she shakes her head. “Eddie, we both made mistakes but things are different now. _We’re_ different now. You didn’t break anything because nothing is broken, okay?” 

She waits until he meets her eyes before continuing, “Sometimes it isn’t right and it isn’t anyone’s fault. We’ve both grown a lot over the last few years, and that’s good. But we don’t fit together the same way we used to and trying to pretend we do won’t make either of us happy in the long run. And we both deserve to be happy, Eddie. _You_ deserve to be happy.”

Shannon reaches across the table and grabs his hands, running her thumb gently over them. “I’m doing this because I want to stay, not because I’m trying to leave. I love Christopher and I love you. We’re still a family.”

And he doesn’t know what it is about those words but everything she’s been saying finally sinks in and he finally allows himself to believe it all, allows the comfort of their truth to fill him, softening his harsh edges and mellowing the storm that raged inside of him. It wasn’t his fault she couldn’t stay with him - it wasn't anyone’s fault. She hadn’t been trying to leave. There was still love and it was never a question of if it was enough, just a question of what kind of love it was.

It’s all too much - way too much, and too many emotions battle inside of him, finally breaking through the surface after having been shoved down for so long. 

“I love you so much, Shannon,” he chokes out and finally, he allows himself to break, more tears filling his eyes before they spill over and slip down his face. 

Shannon looks at him strangely, but still with compassionate and soft eyes. If he thinks about it, he can’t actually remember a time when he allowed himself to cry in front of her. It was always something he prided himself in, even when he’d wait for hours until she was asleep before escaping outside and letting himself finally apart, even when he wanted nothing more than for someone to hold him and tell him it wouldn’t always be like this, to see him in his weakest moments and still see something good in him.

He never blamed her for any of it - he was the one who hid from her every single time, shut her out whenever she tried to reach out to him. It didn’t really matter how much they both wanted to help each other because they were both struggling, neither of them able to save the other from the depths of their despair while they were drowning themselves. 

But now, Shannon just gently squeezes his hands, circles her thumbs over them in a soothing pattern and she doesn’t know that he’s crying for her, too - mourning her while she’s right there. But she comforts him all the same and it feels so nice.

Eventually, the force of everything lets up just the slightest and he finally feels relief easing in. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, smiling weakly at her.

“Hey,” she smiles back at him through her own tears, “We’re gonna be okay, Eddie.”

“Yeah, we are,” he agrees, and in part he’s reassuring her too even if she doesn’t realize it yet. He doesn’t want her to die thinking that she failed him and Christopher by leaving them to just fall apart, because the truth is that they will be okay, even without her. They’ll grieve her, miss her every day, but they’ll make it through together. 

A warm, contemplative silence wraps around them and they’re content to stay like this, taking comfort in each other’s presence until their bubble bursts when Shannon’s phone buzzes from her pocket. 

She pulls it out and glances at it before cursing under her breath. “Shoot, I’m so sorry but my mom’s waiting for me to pick her up from her doctor’s and I need to leave to go get her but um - I’m really glad we did this, Eddie. Do you think we can talk again later?”

“Yeah, Shannon - go meet your mom. We’ll talk soon.”

And there’s a pang in his chest because they will talk later; they’ll say their last words to each other later on that day, with Hen and Chim waiting to intubate her as the ambulance sirens wail around them. 

Of course, she doesn’t know this and just smiles at him as she pushes herself out of the booth. “Okay,” she breathes, relieved. “I love you, Eddie.” 

“Love you too,” he returns as she walks away. When she’s at the door, she turns around and waves to him once more before she’s gone. Eddie just watches her leave from the coffee shop and towards her death and as much as he wants to stop her, beg her to stay for him and for Christopher, he knows he can’t. 

The alarm goes off and he allows himself one last moment to exist in this instant, in this world where Shannon is still alive and Christopher still has his mother. 

It passes and he knows he needs to return, so he throws the lukewarm coffee down his throat and that unsettling feeling instantly washes over him once again. Eddie can feel his body liquifying, molten warmth trickling down his veins as he becomes untethered, evaporating into nothingness.

Then Eddie is solid once more and he’s back where he started, in that same booth but in a world where Shannon is dead. Reality crashes into him all at once and he barely has time to regain his senses before he’s falling apart all over again. He collapses and hides his head in his folded arms as sobs rack his body. 

Sorrow washes over him, but there’s a trace of relief caught up in there, too - relief of clarity, of asylum from the violence of his own self-hatred - all of which inevitably comes with a twinge of guilt, which ebbs and flows underneath the constant wave of grief. All of it is confusing but Eddie just holds onto himself as he allows everything to pass through him then bleed out. At some point he can’t even tell what he’s crying for - it seems like the tears he sheds are for everything and nothing, but it feels cathartic all the same. 

Eddie really doesn’t know how much time passes like this but at some point, the tears run out and everything feels a lot less crushing. He raises his head and wipes his eyes and he can only imagine how ragged he looks, but for once he isn’t too concerned. 

Lily, who had been keeping her distance, finally approaches his table. “So,” she begins delicately, “Did it help?”

Eddie nods. “It did,” he says earnestly, “Thank you.”

And he really means it. While he feels overwhelmed, he still feels lighter than he had walking into the coffee shop. Since Shannon’s death (or much longer, if he’s being honest with himself), he’s felt a particular ugliness festering inside of him, slowly eating away at him until it felt like there was nothing left. But now he feels as if some of that ugliness has been broken up, with light seeping in and penetrating his darkest parts. He isn't naive - he knows the darkness still lingers and that this relief won’t prevent the darkness from creeping back at some point, but he feels like he at least stands on solid ground now. 

“Well, I’m glad,” she smiles softly. “Stay as long as you need - I’ll just be right over there if you need anything.”

She turns to walk back towards the counter before he speaks. “Actually,” he interrupts, “can I get a few red velvet cupcakes to go?”

Lily grins, “Of course,” then walks off.

As Eddie waits, he looks over to the booth by the window and he swears he can hear the joyous melody of Shannon and Christopher’s joint laughter. He lets himself bask in the memory of the sound and it soothes him. It’s a reminder that her death was just a fraction of her life - a small, terrible fraction. But there had been happiness and light, too.

It’s bright when he walks out and almost instantly he can feel the warmth of the sun seeping through his skin and permeating him, warming him from the inside out. 

He didn’t even realize how cold it had been in the coffee shop until he stepped outside. He also didn’t realize how much time had passed - when he looks at his phone, he finds that it’s nearly time to pick Christopher up from school. He could have sworn he hadn’t even been in the coffee shop for a full hour but at the same time, this whole day has been so bizarre and unexplainable that he doesn’t bother questioning it any further.

When he gets to Christopher’s school, he parks the car and waits outside, standing in the direct line of sight from the entrance so his kid doesn’t miss him. It feels like barely any time passes before he hears the sweet sound of his son’s cheerful cry. 

“Daddy!”

“Superman!” Eddie kneels and opens his arms, and soon Christopher is crashing into him. 

As he wraps his child in a tight hug, he briefly thinks that there is nothing in this world that can compare to his son’s infectious joy. In his life, he has never felt anything as strongly as he feels love for Christopher. He doesn't know what he ever did to deserve this child but the warmth of Christopher's love is everything to Eddie and he selfishly basks in it, cherishes it more than anything. 

He pulls away, still holding Chris’ shoulders. “How was school today?”

His son flashes a cheeky grin at him before gushing, “Sooo fun, dad. Did you know butterflies are just adult caterpillars?”

And yes, he did know that, but Eddie still looks at his son in disbelief. “No way. Are you sure?”

“Yeah! They make these little houses called a chrys-chrysalis and then they come out with really pretty wings.”

“That sounds crazy, bud. You’re gonna have to teach me all about it.” 

“Okay,” he agrees happily. “I thought Carla was gonna pick me up.” 

“Well I got the whole week off of work, so I’m gonna be around a lot. You might even get sick of me.”

“Never,” his son promises with a bright smile. 

“Alright, I’m gonna hold you to that,” he teases. “Come on, I got a surprise for you in the car.” 

“A surprise?!” And he’s already off, heading towards the car excitedly. When he climbs into the backseat, he picks up the box holding the cupcakes. As Eddie pulls himself into the driver’s seat, Christopher makes eye contact with him through the rear view mirror and eagerly asks, “What’s in the box?”

Eddie grins. “Why don’t you take a look?”

Christopher doesn’t waste any time and opens the box, gasping with elation when he sees the cupcakes. He asks energetically, “Can I have one now?” 

“Let’s wait until we get home, bud,” Eddie laughs. 

Christopher groans good-naturedly but accepts it easily, quickly moving on. It’s a short drive back home, which Christopher fills with a more detailed discussion of how caterpillars turn into butterflies. When they get home, they head to the backyard and pull out their cupcakes from the box excitedly. 

They eat their cupcakes in a comfortable silence, both of them caught up their appreciation for the red velvety goodness. Christopher’s in the middle of licking the frosting when he asks softly, “Hey dad?”

Eddie swallows down a bite of his cupcake. “Yeah Superman?”

“Do you still think about mom?”

Eddie’s not too surprised by the question, considering the cupcakes were always a special thing shared between Chris and Shannon. “Yeah, bud. I think about her a lot.”

“Does it still make you sad?”

There’s a painful ache in Eddie’s chest. While he had continued to encourage Christopher to share how he was feeling with him, it hadn’t been as reciprocal as Eddie had intended. After the tsunami, Eddie had genuinely tried to be more open with Christopher - he remembered Lena’s advice and how she said that knowing her mother was also sad helped her through her own grief, so he tried to be more honest with his son. But everything eventually just got to be too much and he forced himself to close that door. Between the tsunami and having to contend with the reality that his son could have been swept away by the water, or feeling like he had been tossed away by his best friend who opened a lawsuit against their station, or still dealing with the fallout from Shannon’s death - it was more than Eddie could bear. All of his emotions felt too ugly and too dark to share with Christopher, who is good and light and beautiful. He couldn't contaminate Christopher with the poison that brewed within him, and so he stopped sharing any feeling of his that wasn’t palatable.

But now, those emotions don’t feel as threatening as they once had and he wants to be honest with his son, for both of their sakes. 

Eddie exhales, “Sometimes, yeah. For a while I was trying not to be but I think that just made me even more sad.” 

Christopher frowns and tucks himself into Eddie’s side. “But there’s nothing wrong with being sad, dad.”

His heart warms at the reminder of those exact words he told Christopher when he found out that Christopher had been dreaming about Shannon. 

He wraps an arm around Christopher’s shoulders and squeezes softly. “I know, I was being dumb. I forgot that I was allowed to be sad, too.” 

“Oh,” Christopher says, thinking hard before he double checks, “But you remember now?”

“I do,” Eddie nods, smiling softly. 

Christopher looks up at him again, his cheek smushed against Eddie’s chest. “Do you feel better?”

“A little bit. It still hurts to think about your mom and I think it always will at least a little, but we shared a lot of happy moments, too. Thinking about all the good memories we have makes it hurt a little less.” 

Christopher nods softly, contemplating. “I miss her.”

“Me too, bud,” Eddie says. “Even though she would definitely steal my cupcake if she was here right now.”

“At least she always saved the frosting for you,” Chris offers, giggling. 

“That’s my least favorite part!”

Christopher stares at him in disbelief. “That’s the _best_ part, dad.” 

“You’re a mad man, Chris,” Eddie says. “Alright, how about we finish these up and get started on your homework, yeah?”

“Okay,” he happily agrees. 

Within a few minutes, they polish off the rest of their cupcakes and head back inside, settling down at the kitchen table to work on Christopher’s math homework. His class is learning long division right now and it’s a good thing that his son is a tiny math genius because math has never been Eddie’s strongest suit. He mostly just double checks Chris’ answers with a calculator and they make quick work of it. 

An hour or so later, there’s a knock at the door and Eddie really has no question about who it is. He opens the door, and there Buck is, looking a bit flushed. Eddie doesn’t have to ask to know that he rushed over as soon as his shift ended and that knowledge warms him more than he’d care to admit. 

“Hey,” Buck says a bit breathlessly, using his arm to lean against the doorway. 

“Hey,” Eddie returns. “You know I gave you a key for a reason, right?” 

Buck shrugs lightly, “Wasn’t sure if you were in the mood for company.”

“Come on,” he smirks, tilting his head to motion for Buck to follow him inside. 

Buck barely makes it past the doorway before Christopher is already barreling down the hallway to meet him; Eddie figures he must have heard Buck’s car outside. 

“Buuuuck!”

“There’s my favorite Diaz!” He kneels down to gather Chris in his arms, squeezing him tight. “I missed you, buddy.”

“We saw each other yesterday,” Christopher giggles. 

Buck pulls away slightly and moans dramatically, “But yesterday was such a long time ago.”

Christopher nods in agreement. “I missed you too, Bucky.” 

“Thanks bud,” he says warmly, ruffling Chris’ hair. “So, what are you guys up to tonight?”

“We’re doing my math homework but we haven’t had dinner yet and I’m hungry,” Christopher pouts, then looks up at Buck with bright and hopeful eyes. “Can you make your special mac and cheese, Buck? Pretty pretty please?”

Eddie has to roll his eyes at that. His kid is honestly such a punk - he _knows_ Christopher saw him pull out the ingredients for dinner, so he reminds his son, “Chris, I was gonna cook some chicken for us,” with a bit of fond exasperation. 

But that only seems to make Christopher even more determined in his mission to get Buck to cook dinner, and Eddie would be a bit more offended if he wasn’t fully aware of how lackluster his cooking is. Chris turns to Buck again and desperately pleas, “Buck, pleeeease?”

Buck turns to Eddie. “What do you think?”

“As long as you don’t mind,” Eddie offers, shrugging. 

“You know I don’t,” Buck answers easily. He turns back to Chris and claps his hands together. “Looks like I’m making mac and cheese.” 

Christopher shouts with glee, throwing his arms up and then around Buck in a loose hug. “Thank you Buck!”

“Anything for you, Superman,” Buck says as he stands, brushing off the knees of his pants. “Man, I’m barely here for two minutes and you’re already putting me to work.” 

“Chop chop!” Chris claps his hands together and squeals excitedly, then politely adds, “Please.”

“Alright, alright, I’m workin’ on it,” Buck jokingly waves him off, pretending to hustle to the kitchen. 

As soon as Buck leaves, Eddie fixes his son with a knowing look and Chris is smart enough to look at least a little apologetic. Eddie has to laugh, “Is my cooking really that bad?”

Chris just mimes zipping his lips and throwing away the key, grinning mischievously and barely able to contain his giggles. 

“Very clever,” Eddie retorts. “Why don’t we put that big brain of yours to good use and finish your homework?" 

Christopher throws his head back and groans but makes his way towards the living room all the same. They make quick work of the rest of his math homework with Eddie just double checking his answers. All that’s left is his Language Arts homework which is just a creative writing prompt that Christopher can tackle on his own. 

Eddie leaves him to it and heads into the kitchen to see if there’s anything he can help Buck with. When Eddie walks in, Buck is in the middle of putting the mac and cheese into the oven. He casts Eddie a quick glance over his shoulder and smiles at him as Eddie strolls over to the kitchen island.

Buck closes the oven door then turns around to face Eddie, leaning against the counter comfortably. “So,” he baits, raising an eyebrow and flashing Eddie a subtle grin, “do I have to worry about you slipping out tonight to go to some secret fight club?”

“Nah,” Eddie smirks. “I think I’ll probably hang up my belt for now.”

Buck chuckles, “Probably for the best, tough guy.”

Eddies laughs with him, raising his beer bottle to take a sip. 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Buck offers, “I just wanted to check in. Though I will say, you’re a lot more... _agreeable_ than I thought you’d be.”

“I’m _always_ agreeable, Buck” he defends with feigned indignation. 

“Oh, I know,” Buck acquiesces with a grin. “But, uh - _do_ you wanna talk about it?”

Eddie sighs. “I’m still trying to figure it all out, honestly,” he says, hesitating. “I was...going through a lot, I guess.” 

Buck raises an eyebrow. “Was?”

“I guess I still am,” Eddie admits, taking another sip of his beer. Because even though he’s gotten some clarity about why Shannon wanted a divorce, their conversation didn’t erase a lifetime of not feeling good enough for anyone or anything. It doesn’t erase the fact that she is still gone and Eddie feels like he’s mourning her all over again, so yeah - he is still going through it. 

“That’s okay,” Buck smiles, his eyes shining with sincerity. “At least you’re able to admit it.”

Eddie softly grins around the mouth of his beer bottle, “Yeah, still getting used to that.”

“Baby steps,” Buck laughs before his expression turns into something soft and serious. “Look, um - I’m sure Bobby gave you a whole spiel before you left and I know how much you hate them, but I just wanted you to hear it from me too.”

He seems a bit hesitant but he continues anyway. “You’re my best friend, Eddie and look, I - I know I screwed up with the lawsuit and I would do _anything_ to just take it all back. I wasn’t there when you needed me and I’ll never forgive myself for that, but I need you to know that I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere, okay? I just - I really need you to know that.”

Eddie smiles. “I know, Buck.”

And Eddie does know this. They’ve moved on from the lawsuit, patched the holes in their trust and worked towards healing their friendship. At the time, the lawsuit seemed to confirm what Eddie always felt was inevitable, that the people he loved most would eventually leave. Now, he understands it for what it was, understands that Buck had just been trying to get back to them - to him, despite how misguided it all was. The moment he understood, Eddie forgave him for it all. 

It shocks Eddie just how much he trusts Buck - even after the lawsuit, despite everything in him screaming at him not to, warning him against placing so much faith in one person. But Buck makes him want to go against every instinct that’s been drilled into him, makes him want to hold onto this person who supports him, makes him feel safe, and understands him in a way that few do. 

“Okay,” Buck exhales, seeming relieved. “Good.” 

At that moment, Christopher peeks his head into the kitchen. “Is dinner ready yet?”

“Hm, let’s see.” Buck opens the oven door and apparently liking what he sees, claps his hands together. “It’s looking pretty good, if I do say so myself.” He turns to Eddie. “Do you wanna set the table while I get this out of the oven?”

“Aye, aye captain,” Eddie jokes before grabbing bowls and utensils and bringing them to the table. 

The rest of the night passes easily, like it always does with Buck around. Christopher gives them the dirt on the most recent playground drama - while Christopher isn’t involved in any of it, he’s friends with almost everyone in his class and gets the inside scoop on all of his peers. They spend an hour at the table like this but eventually Christopher’s bedtime approaches, and Buck volunteers to start cleaning up the kitchen while Eddie helps Chris get ready for bed. Eddie and Chris go through their nightly routine - Chris brushes and flosses his teeth, and he gets changed into his pajamas, and it doesn’t take too long before Eddie’s tucking his son into bed. 

He’s turning on Christopher’s nightlight when his son asks, “Dad, do we have time to read tonight?”

“Yeah bud. What are you thinking?”

His son takes a moment to consider his options before he decisively responds “James and the Giant Peach.”

“Alright, James and the Giant Peach it is,” Eddie affirms. He grabs the book from the nightstand and opens it to the first page when Christopher interrupts, “Can you and Buck read together tonight?” 

“Yeah, let me go get him,” he smiles, kissing his son on the forehead before walking to the kitchen. Everything’s been cleaned and put away, and Buck sits at the table while halfheartedly scrolling through his phone. 

Eddie stands in the doorway, grinning at Buck as he looks up from his phone and asks, “Hey, you wanna get in on storytime?”

Buck’s eyes flash with excitement. “You kidding?” 

And he’s already stuffing his phone in his pocket and pushing himself out of his chair to follow Eddie. They return to Christopher’s room, both taking a seat at the edge of his bed. Buck pats Chris’ leg and asks, “Hey Superman, what are we reading tonight?”

Chris shoves the book into his hands eagerly as he answers, “James and the Giant Peach!” 

Buck turns the book in his hands, eyes shining with fondness and nostalgia. “Man, I loved this book when I was your age.” 

Eddie smiles fondly at him. “Why don’t you start us off, Buck.” 

“It would be my pleasure,” he responds with a staged formality. He clears his throat dramatically before opening the book and beginning, “Until he was four years old, James Henry Trotter had a happy life…”

Eddie follows along and as he watches Buck reading to Christopher with animated expressions, his heart flutters and a certain contentment falls over him, wrapping him in its warmth. Though he thinks he’s known it for some time, Eddie realizes that this is love. Without trying, he’s somehow found it again, and it scares him and it doesn’t. Throughout his life, he believed he couldn’t hold love in his hands without crushing it, as if he was always bound to ruin anything good that snuck into his life. 

But as he watches his son and his best friend, he lets all of that go and gives himself to love, to hope. He prays that time is kind to them but even if it isn't, Eddie will make do. He'll cherish this love for as long as he's allowed, either way.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed this! this was my first fic longer than 2k ish words so it took a minute lmao but the biggest thank you to the lovely CelesteJEvans, who helped me out with this - ilysm CJ !!
> 
> if you did like it, please leave kudos/comments! they make me stupidly happy :)
> 
> im also @gracieli on tumblr if you wanna come say hi!


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